Friday, November 18, 2011
The approaching holidays presents both a special and a lonelier time for me as I'm experiencing an increased busy schedule but also, a sense of greater internal sadness that I'm trying to figure out and make greater sense of. I think it's the fact that everyone is talking about traveling this weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday. I wish that I had my own place--my own house. I wish that I could host Thanksgiving and cook for fifteen to twenty people consisting of my entire extended family in Texas and my older half brother, sister-in-law and two nieces who live here in Marin whom I haven't spoken to in over a year. I wish I could get all the best table linens out, house ten people, take the family out to dinner the night before and night after Thanksgiving. I wish I had a special girlfriend who could come with me or whose large family I could meet and bring my mother along.
To me, the holidays signify lots of family, people, a lot of really great food, decorations, and some kind of one-massive unity of getting together. Yet, I have to remember that Thanksgiving isn't just about a lot of food, people, traveling, and celebrative merriment. It's a time to be thankful. So, given that, I am thankful for my health, that I have my mother close by, that I have a roof over my head, and that I am not in combat overseas, homeless, or in the hospital. I wonder how many people who revel in so much abundance during this time of year remember those things too?
Today has been spent finishing a cover letter and resume for a client and finalizing things for my house sitting arrangement which begins tomorrow in San Anselmo. I will have a very nice bed and a deep French bath tub accessible to me for the next seven days and six nights. I don't really have to do a thing except be there at night--and get paid for it. But as my mother would say, I have the mind of Valentino Liberace. And that lifestyle of having tons of food, drink, people, and a special someone at the holidays is what my heart truly wants.
I miss all the Thanksgivings past that I was able to have and participate in big family gatherings with the Godfrey Family and their sub families. That is what I miss the most--those were the days when I got to celebrate with ten to fifteen people and loved it--the sushi appetizers, the turkey, etc. I dislike growing what feels like further apart from all of them and it hasn't been easy for me. How do I see a different, perhaps quieter Thanksgiving as jiust as wonderful? Therein lies the challenge I'm facing. Because being with the Godfrey Family--all of them, has been like my second family my entire life. I'm trying not to get all emotional about this, but well, emotions are a healthy human part of life.
My landlord Kate has given me until the end of December to vacate as I found out today and as she saw me walking towards the bus stop on the highway this afternoon, she asked me if I needed a ride and a pink umbrella. So I declined the umbrella as I forgot and left mine at home and accepted the ride to downtown San Rafael. Kate was much nicer than she's been recently, and I think it's because she knows there's an end and a light at that end to my renting from her. We'll see how long this lasts. She asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I told her I didn't know yet but that I would probably spend it with my mother as long as catching public transportation doesn't cause a problem. Maybe I'll be able to use Whistlestop Wheels if they're running that day.
I had lunch at Lotus Cuisine today and saw Paul. His smile and upbeat attitude was just what I needed. Amba however didn't seem like his usual self. He seemed upset or stressed out and more distant than usual, as if he was worried about me. Part of whatever type of ASD I may have is that I can't read when someone is worried about me or when they're dealing with other issues. I ate my lunch but felt that the demeanor of Amba and his staff didn't feel quite right. It wouldn't deter me from coming back. I mean, the Lotus/Sroa Family is what IO would perhaps list as my third family.
I'm sitting here at Starbucks on Second Street in downtown San Rafael. Haven't had dinner yet. I just posted a personals ad on Craigslist with my cell number stating that I feel lonely and would like to find an unattached woman to get together with for a casual dinner and some cuddling afterwards. I'm not sure and highly doubt that anyone will reply. After all, who am I to the typicaltwenty-thirty-something woman who wants the guy with confidence, a job, an education, his own place--the entire package?! I have one of those. But I can't seem to get what I want and am almost thinking about skipping dinner because I just don't have it in me to eat another dinner alone. I want company--companionship--a woman with a place. Her own place with a fireplace and the ability to cuddle on her couch next to a lit fire with a glass of wine in hand. That's what the majority of my peers will be doing tonight. It's that holiday "magic" I am missing. Meanwhile, I am simply thankful I am here, present, and still functioning.