Saturday, December 17, 2011a

Right now, I just want to hide under a rock and never come out.  Life is hard.  I feel so unappreciated by anyone I could call a friend.  I am experiencing tremendous low self esteem and am wishing I could just stick my mouth around the nozzle of a frozen margarita machine and drink until I fall to a coma.  I feel worthless, undervalued.  I feel like I might as well learn how to become a male prostitute and sell myself and go underground,  My disabilities get in the way no matter how hard I try to ignore them.  I can't stand seeing all the fucking happy couples on Facebook who act as if they have no problems and life is oh-so perfect.  

I have no money to do my laundry because my landlord purposely quit buying detergent she said she'd supply when I moved in and I don't have the money to go out and buy my own.  

I feel like every time I reach out to people my age in friendship, they ignore me.  They feel that my reaching out is a personal boundary violation.  

I feel like I'm God's monster on a stick, being ignored while I wait for diabetes--a disease I am battling, to win its war against me.  I feel that I am of little value to society, to anyone who could call me a friend.  In fact, I really don't know who is my friend and who isn't anymore.  It all blurs together, though I wish alcohol in a tall glass of ice would do the trick instead.  I have seen dozens of therapists over the years, and none of them have helped.  

I have no money to buy anyone presents.  I have no New Year's plans with friends because the honest truth is that no one would want to spend NYE with me--the oaf.  I keep posting for bonafide girlfriends, female friends, and sex on Craigslist but my ads get flagged.  Constantly.  I might as well blow up with the fireworks alone on NYE.  That sounds pretty cool.  Because I have nothing special about me.  I was a loner ever since elementary school.  Nothing will change and I'm out of ideas, feeling a sense of helplessness.  God's worst idea was to ever create me.  He doesn't love me.  He just wants me to go through immense loneliness.  The more I want to get close to anyone, the more pain he wants to bring to me.  

But ya know, I don't need sex or good connections with women that feel good.  I might as well lay on the streets of San Francisco and become a bum because it's all I'm worth.  I'm disabled.  I'm a fuddy duddy for the next campaign on "kill the disabled".  My disabilities prevent me from finding stable housing, a career, a social life, a romance, a job interview--everything.  If I was under Hitler's regime, I would end up dying in an oven in a camp.  Because I resemble that of a fly.

I feel helpless to reach out to others who never reach out tp me.  If I want friendship, I have to have something so wonderful to offer.  If I want sex, I'll always have to pay fpr it and end up being unhappy.  If I want a life, I'll have to stand on the streets with a sign that says, "I'm disabled so please feed me".  Because I have little value left in life.  My morbid dark writing expresses a deeply ingrained unhappiness stemming from years of not seeing success and happiness in my own life and knowing no way out.