Monday, October 24, 2011
Today was a busy day as I presented my hot sauce label which culminated the first half of the semester in my introductory multimedia design class. I had a rocky emotional start to the morning, however, as my friendship with my new friend Amber took mental precidence and emotional priority over just about every other area of my life. I'm still confused and missing her presence ever so much. This shouldn't be mistaken for being obsessed with her as that's not how I intend to come across.
I spoke with my good friend Cole about this last night and then my classmate Sarah this morning as I needed some perspective on how to feel and proceed. I still remain confused, missing Amber's company one minute and confused about what this friendship is about the next. I have difficulty not over thinking the friendship because the successive challenging events in her life just recently coupled with her need for support both in general and from me, has had an emotionally gripping vice on my head and heart that have made me want to get to know her better.
Mid semester is here and I feel like everything is posing a challenge to me right now. I don't feel 100% confident that things are going the way they should be both at MIC and with COTS in general. I'm struggling with how to talk about Asperger's to everyone in the organization in a manner that is subdued yet effective--effective for me and for the staff, without drawing unwanted, negative attention to myself. Trying to balance this out is very stressful, especially with my internship supervisor as well as my direct supervisor at MIC. I was going to be given an additional placement which has been postponed for another several weeks until the Asperger's situation becomes further clarified.
I'm struggling to maintain three classes ontop of this internship. I have my first Photoshop assignment/project, my next closed voice recital, and my second abnormal psychology test all next week.
What would support look like to me if I could have it?
The support would be the feminine comfort of a woman in her twenties or thirties I could come home to daily and cuddle with, who would be attracted to everything that's wrong with me that's simply me. A dimmed bedroom, lit candles, glasses of water, freshly-cut flowers, a young woman to talk to who could give me the emotional goddess nourishment in both emotional and physical designs. Someone to tell me how special I am, how wanted I am, and how everything will be okay. On just a platonic level, I wanted more of what occurred at Amber's last Saturday to be an everyday thing. That's where fantasy and reality begin to blur.
My mother thinks I'm totally crazy to even be friends with Amber and this really bothers me. I went to her for warm guidance and support and instead, she treats me coldly like a child in givjng her guidance--the only way she apparently knows how. I want my mother to treat me like an adult instead of always rushing into save me because I'm her baby and her disbelief that I could ever manage without her. It hurts my feelings and the relationship dynamic makes me feel like I can't turn to family when I need warmth and support coupled with sound advice. How can I then want to spend time with a mother who doesn't feel she can treat me like a responsible adult, who always underestimates my ability to take care of me? Logistically, I'm doing it. Emotionally, I'm struggling. To err is to be human and I think my family sometimes forgets that about me.
Finally this evening, Amber texted me and then we connected for an hour-long phone conversation. My heart wanted to be poured out to a 35 year-old woman who was already trying to take care of herself. I wanted to cry into the phone and tell Amber how much I wanted to hop on CalTrain and spontaneously go down to San Mateo and show up on her door step. It was her ability to be physically warm amidst her fog of figuring everything out that I craved. Yet, how could I deal with it all. As we talked, she mentioned how busy the upcoming holiday season would be for her at her daycare center where she works and I felt like she was already mentally and emotionally closing the door on building a closer friendship with me. It was then that I wanted to be needed by her. I don't want her feeling as horribly bad as she's felt but on the other hand, it had been my hope that she would go through that again, only to cling to me and want me to come down to console her again like she had wanted all last week. In my heart, I crave her craving my support. Tears started to role down my eyes. And what would her 14 year-old daughter who has never met me say if I just showed up in San Mateo all of a sudden?
Right now, I want someone I just met to understand how I feel and be as responsive as I have been to her. I want to spend a part of the upcoming holiday season with her, sipping wine, Christmas caroling with her downtown. I want Amber to come up to Marin from the south bay. I want her to become close enough to meet my mother and for my mother to be accepting of her past and my friendship with her. I am struggling to gain crystal clarity of my next steps in the coming few weeks. I want to find comfort in constant, intense encounters with female friends to feed such an insecure part of me that has gone for so long with no social support--a result of being on the autistic spectrum.
I told Amber over the phone that I needed more Saturday nights strung together of cuddling; because having one of those Saturdays only once a month emotionally jolts my equilibirum without the emotional consistency is too hard on my emotional and nervous system. I'm not sure whether that registered.
I walked home tonight in the cold, listening to "Words Get In The Way" by Gloria Estefan, in tears on the bus. I just wanted Amber there to hold me like I held her Saturday night. I feel like my heart and my soul have no social support for this. I don't know how to proceed next.