Sunday, November 13, 2011

It is shortly after midnight and right now, all I wish I had was a large frozen margarita or a fruit-flavored beer and a naked woman in her twenties or thirties to cuddle in bed with.  With enough alcohol to make me forget everything else.  I don't want to remember anything.  I've had the night from hell at home.  I hate where I live and want to either live alone or live with a significant other who understands and tolerates my differences.  My roommate and landlord do not and it's causing immense friction.  I could be evicted at any time simply because I can't live in a communal environment.  Neither of them understand nor accept my differences, yet they want me to be understanding and subserient to theirs.

Right now, I just want iced cold alcohol, a woman to physically nurture and be around me, and more orgasms than I can handle.  I need that much emotional and physical pleasure to replace the days, weeks, and months of hell I've gone through.  My family is completely disconnected from me and my mother simply doesn't put out emotional understanding and support.  Instead, she always acts indifferent and aloof to how I feel when I'm feeling down, completely disregarding my feelings.  It makes me feel horrible.  It would make her feel bad that I'd say this, but it's also reality.  Just when I need her emotional warmth and understanding, she's unable to give it because she's simply not good at it.  My mother was always excellent at materially providing for me because she loves me.  I believe that.  However, she has never been good at empathizing with my feelings, my sadness, my frustrations.  This has meant more to me than anything she could have possibly tangibly given me.  

The fact is, no one understands me inside and out.  I feel misunderstood, disabled, financially broke, and full of elusive talents.  If I were skinnier, I'd probably try and get into the porn industry just to make myself feel a bit better and make a ton of money.  But that won't be happening anytime soon.  I feel like I have nowhere to go but further down.  Right now, I need a parachute to take me really high up above the ground.  I need some sort of a temporary escape to a greater level of happiness.  I don't do drugs so that won't work.  I could sleep all day.  Or take seratonin-booster pills.  

I need some way to temporarily escape my reality.  I can't deal with it!