Sunday, November 6, 2011
Today was a rather quiet day as I was preparing for my dress rehearsal for beginning voice class this afternoon and pondering what I want to take next semester. I'm thinking about taking more multimedia and art classes and possibly taking Theories of Personality but am not sure whether I'll limit myself to 9 units or do four classes at 12 units. It depends on a combination of factors: how I do with fall grades at the end of the semester as well as what my internship involvement will be with COTS by January of the new year.
Today was my aunt's 70th birthday and I thought about her a lot today. I thought about how old my aunt and uncle are getting and how I'm never going to get to really know who they are or develop a closer relationship with them. It made me really sad, but I'm sad about the whole idea of connections or lack thereof, so these are simply two more people I could add to the list. I tried to post a sweet birthday note on my aunt's wall on Facebook but got no response. I would have called to wish her a happy birthday but they screen their calls and she wouldn't have picked up because in all likelihood, she doesn't want to hear from me. Well, she and my uncle. I feel excluded from their family or my extended family and any attempt I make at airing my feelings directly upsets the apple cart. It also makes my mother angry whenever I try and take command of the situation. Trying to fix my relationshiip with my extended family always has to involve my mother and I'm sick of it. And hurt. And hurting anyone is the last thing I want to do. But it's like I have to swallow how I feel and not ever talk about it with my family--as if the entire topic of "what's wrong with us" is considered taboo. I try and be grateful for my relationship with my mother; but what makes this relationship tough is her constant worry or overworry that I can't take care of myself, that I always need rescuing, and I could fail at any time. It is her disbelief that at 33, I need so much developmental help. It's the very love mixed with worry that creates the low self esteem I've had all my life--that creates problems. Instead of having faith in me, our in-person conversations always end up being about how my online behavior is inappropriate. And it's the very thing that makes it difficult for me to want to be in her life. Because our relationship isn't a mutual balance of letting each of us be how we are and having feelings for each other. Case in point, when I discussed my feelings on being single when I visited my mother on Halloween night, she chose to disregard my feelings, trying instead to change my perspective in disregarding how much NOT having been in a relationship has meant to me. My own mother chose to skip right past my feelings and act detached rather than being understanding. That really hurt my feelings. Instead of being emotionally warm and empathetic, it seems my entire life that my mother has always played devil's advocate, taking an opposing point of view and then being analytical about how my feelings shouldn't matter. I love my mother, don't get me wrong. But these differences--to me--are huge and they have been big enough to make the relationship dynamic challenging at best the majority of the time.
Another thing that is hard is how my cousin Jill has decided to make it a vendeta to not friend me on Facebook because of my disabilities and the feelings I so publicly air. I'm the only person in her family she has chosen to cut off and that is also extremely hurtful. I can say this: Asperger's is the last thing she'd ever understand and the difficulties I've faced. It's like saying, "since my family member isn't normal, they won't be a conscious part of my family!".
I feel disconnected from people outside of my family too. I suppose it's why I watch porn almost every night. It's to find some anti-religious way to feed my feelings, not just my male biological clock. I feel honestly... empty. Like I don't belong anywhere, like I can't be seen as someone note worthy. The major communities I've tried to ask for leadership roles and to build myself to become a leader are many: Westminster Presbyterian Church, Lotus Cuisine of India, the music departments at both Sonoma State and College of Marin. I've tried to build far more than connections. I've wanted to feel like I belong by doing things like helping to run one of the Indian restaurants in the chain, playing worship music at WPC and letting Bethany give me the training and the chance to rise in musical responsibiloities, be able to find someone in the music department at COM who would take me aside and apprentice me to be a concerto soloist. I've had so many dreams and each of them have failed. Alongside all this, I don't feel like I belong or can be known for something or anything great. And I feel disconnected from people in a social sense. I never socially talk to anyone in my classes and they don't ever reach out for me, wanting to get to know me.
The only strength I have to carry on is a strong belief like a lit flame that will never burn out--that tomorrow is going to be a new and better day. That there is light at the end of the tunnel.
People tell me that having Asperger's is just a part of me. That may very well be true. But when it affects my ability to establish, develop, and deepen meaningful relationships, keep a steady job, and find a career I can actually grow in... when this disability along with a visual impairment, how am I supposed to feel? Great? I actually feel deflated. Like there's no place for me to belong or no one for me to connect. There are many nights lately and with the gloomy approaching holiday season, when I haven't wanted to eat dinner at all. Because my desire to have dinner is next to nothing. I don't have my friend Cole or Amber around. And I am scared that because of my lack of being brought up in the Baptist Christian religion, my other more geographically distant friends like John or Tyler will judge me and think less of me or want to associate less with me.
Right now, I have little strength to draw on except that tomorrow will be a new day and a new dawn.