Thursday, December 15, 2011
It is early Thursday morning and I have just finished finals and the fall semester. I'm sitting here in a cold bedroom that I will be vacating a week from tomorrow, and the future looks unsure and unsettling to me. I only have ten dollars left in my pocket to live off of between now and the end of the year unless I can make some more money along the way. Both Christmas and New Year's don't look too bright--financially, socially, or romantically.
I am indeed looking forward to this coming Sunday because it will be the only day I have to look forward to all this month. I may get tio see my friend Tina if she's still available. I will get to bring her along to see "Star of Wonder" put on by musical director Linda Noble Brown and her small mens' vocal ensemble Musaic. Then I will get to attend Linda and Ken's Christmas caroling party after her concert where there will be lots of merryment--food, hot apple cider, music, a crackling fire, and people. It will be the only holiday party and holiday cheer I get. It will be eight hours that block out thirty days of figuring out where I will live the fiirst week of January and how I will make ends meet.
I am struggling to maintain an optimistic outlook because I feel that my life is constantly filled with challenges and loneliness that a change in perspective alone can't always nor altogether fix. Right now, I am craving Indian food at almost 2 a.m. in the morning. I wish I could work for the Sroa Family at Lotus Chaat in their market or at the cash register. I wish there was a way I could do some work for Pal so that I could earn some extra money to give gifts for the holidays, but the reality is that he would never hire me to work at any of his establishments. Not because he doesn't like me but because only his extended family gets to work for him. I would give anything to work at Lotus Chaat & Spices full time under Pal and Elvis. It is simply another small dream--one of many--I've given up on ever happening. I could eat Indian cuisine at Lotus everyday but my pocketbook won't allow for it.
For me, happiness depends on good financial security, a happy place to live, the ability to eat good food whenever I'm hungry, and someone special to open my heart to. Right now, none of these things exist. And then I question: is having a life that's normal possible when challenges and adversities always present themselves? Is it my job to never become weak and to always show super-human strength and make everything look so happy and easy because no one is standing behind me if I should fail or fall?
Every night, I dream about having the above things plus someone to cudde and have sex with. Sex by a lit electric fireplace and a bottle of wine. Someone who can accept my weaknesses and imperfections and still be attracted to me.
Most of all, I am scared of ending 2011 celebrating alone, only to be homeless and end up at Mill Street on January 1-2 because I haven't found a new rental in time. I'm worried that sleep will feel even better--perhaps too good leading to possible depression for fear of no better alternative.
Right now, I need God, Venus, and Santa to get together for a meeting. I've been good this year. I've worked hard. I need Venus (planet of love and beauty) and God and Santa to help me out here with some love and a way to do better for myself.